Pounding The Rock

Welcome to the fifth installment of my very own, JRW-mandated series "Coach Pop Culture Lessons," where I comment on things wonderful and terrible in the world of entertainment, and desperately attempt to connect it to the Spurs.

This Jeremy Lin kid is something else! He's got the entire basketball world eating out of the palm of his hand.

And he's such a nice kid, really humble...

Exactly. I want him. Get me Glen Grunwald on the phone.

Yello?

Glen! How's it hangin' in the old NYC?

Fine. What do you want?

I want a piece of this Jeremy Lin kid. Can we put together a package that'll work for you?

No. Under no circumstances, no.

Come on, I've got a roster full of champions! Duncan, Parker, Ginobili! None of those appeal to you?

Sorry... we're extremely happy with Jeremy, and we're not giving him up for anything. [Hangs up]

He hung up.

I know. But I know what he's really saying. He wants a superstar.

We don't have any superstars.

Not by the media's standard, no. Get me Otis Smith.

Yes?

Otis! My man! Look, I need to make a big trade to get this team to the next level, and you've got an unhappy 7-footer.

I really don't know if--

Otis, Otis! Dwight's gonna bolt at the end of the season, everyone knows that! Now I'm willing to put together a fair deal so we all come out ahead. How about Tiago Splitter and Tony Parker?

...Are you serious?

Of course I'm serious! An All-Star point guard, and a future All-Star center! What's not to love?

I don't know... we could also really use some help on the wings.

I'll throw in Richard Jefferson. You can just have him.

Fine. [Hanging up]

Alright, now we're cooking!

But you just traded two of our starters.

For DWIGHT HOWARD! Pay attention!

But the fans--

The fans will get over it. Now I want Lance Blanks.

Lance Blanks?

Come on, hurry up!

What in the name of Lin is going on over there?

We're making some moves, nothing serious. Listen, Lance--what can I offer you for Steve Nash?

We really wanted to keep Steve.

Yeah, well he's an aging point guard, he's running on fumes. I'm willing to offer you some young blood. How about DeJuan Blair and Danny Green?

I like those guys.

I know you do! Can we make it official?

Almost. I want an apology for 2007.

What? Why?

For the bloody nose, the hip-check, the suspensions, everything.

Okay... I'm sorry.

I want it in writing. I want a letter published in the Arizona Republic.

Fine. I'll get my best writer on it right now.

What? Me?

Yes, I want a draft in the next ten minutes.

Fine...

Okay, it's a deal.

Swell. [hangs up]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

Watch and learn, kid. One more.

[Sighs] Who now?

New Jersey.

New Jersey... you want Billy King?

No. Get me Prokhorov.

Yesz?

Mickey! Listen, I'm going to go right to the point. You're not getting Dwight, D-Will's giving up on you, this season is a bust. What do you want for Deron?

Deron Villiams?

How many Derons do you know? Listen, I'm going to experiment with a two-point guard lineup, and he's my guy. How can I make you happy?

You cannot make me happy. Nobody can make me happy.

...

But zat said, I vould like ze Ginobili.

Manu? Just Manu?

Just ze Ginobili.

Sold!

One more zing.

Anything, Mickey.

I vould like you to make a small donation to my presidential campaign. I vould say around 10 meelion vould do.

Mickey, it would be an honor. Good luck.

Good luck to you. [hangs up]

Okay... Glen again.

Yello?

Glen! Hey, I've got another offer for you.

What are you smoking? Are you insane? I've heard about what you've been doing over there.

Listen Glen, I've got a great plan working, but it doesn't happen without Jeremy Lin. Now, I'm willing to offer... let's see... Dwight Howard, Steve Nash, Deron Williams, Tim Duncan, Matt Bonner, Kawhi Leonard, and Gary Neal?

...

I'll take it.

That's fantastic. [Hangs up]

You just traded our entire team... for one player.

Not just a player.

A golden god.